In the Randomness

There was a time when I was just wishing to live in a foreign country to meet people from different cultures and hear their stories. I wanted to listen and be mesmerized with how similar humans are despite the difference in the geographical location of one’s upbringing. Four months here and it was a rollercoaster ride of getting to know the system and more importantly, the people you can call your own. For me, it is surprising to realize how ethics seemed universal despite the country of origin is. To meet people who value the same values as you is really a treasure. I might have been posting melodramatic things on my social media often but the reality is, i got amazing people who don’t judge and who choose to protect. I am so grateful for them. The scenic views and breathtaking architectures would have meant less beautiful if I met the wrong people. I guess God is simply generous with His blessings. He sends His warmth and love in the form of genuine friendship and camarederie.

Things I Should be Remembering

So I watched until number 10… I never felt more connected with Will Smith. I always have this tendency to cry about books and movies about father-child relationship. I don’t think I told anyone but I craved for father’s attention more than anyone in the world. When we were young, we used to run away from home with mother because of him. One day, I had to choose between staying with father and being with mother and for some reason, I said I would stay with him. He never admired me when he was sober so I tend not to believe any nice things people say. I always feel they are said out of necessity or guilt or too much alcohol or because I did some favors they didn’t expect me to do. I always had this inclination to get his approval.

When I was growing up, he was a very scary person with his loud voice, heavy hands and quick temper. So maybe, I pretended to be brave just to get closer to him but he’d always find fault. I do not hate him however because I had my siblings back then and we were on the same boat. Or at least, almost. My little sis had my mother to run to and my brothers had each other. I felt alone but I did fine. Now that I have grown up, he told me one day when he was drunk, how he feels I do not care enough for him. I wanted to laugh hard and tell him whose fault is it? But I didn’t have the guts to hurt him more than I have already done.

I’d always be this jumpy woman who gets scared with sudden sounds around or this little girl who would zone out when someone is shouting at her just to drown those hateful words or the friend who shouts when she is being defensive. Who gets anxious about making people wait because he hated that. Who tends not to complain even if she had too many things to carry with her little hands. Who would stay quiet and not be able to say what she really wants to say because he didn’t listen anyway and even if he did, the things I said didn’t matter.

I say he made me focus and so unfocus at the same time and I got tired of the switches – I started ignoring him and pretty much everyone else. I couldn’t care enough about anything. I couldn’t be bothered. I guess I’m writing this to say dont let anyone make you hate yourself. Even if that person is your father, mother or whoever.

Do not be oblivious to others just because you felt set aside then or not listened to. Do not harden yourself because you had a tough childhood. Let them see who you choose to be despite all the shortcomings from them and the bad things they did to you. Despite all that, be amazing!

The Pearl who Broke its Shell by Nadia Hashimi

In this book, I met a handful of great women in a place where we are treated as a commodity that can be bartered and given away. It was a great journey to have known their fears, their strength and how they tried to take control of their own lives. Even if there was no one in particular that I could identify myself with, I have a profound admiration for Shekiba. She, who did not lose hope and tried to change her naseeb. To Jameela, the second wife, who did not envy but was always a source of reprieve to the newest wife. To the women in the parliament who were trying to make a difference and to their husbands who supported them.

I believe in woman power, however, being in a culture that tries to strip woman the ability to be anything she wants to be – sometimes, it requires more convincing of my own. Like how one day I was riding on a motorcycle with my female cousin as the driver. I couldn’t trust her enough that I felt anxious half of the time I was with her. The ease I feel when riding with my brother seemed to elope me.

I felt guilty.

Don’t give me those inquiring eyes.

I do not want to see women in any other light than being independent and capable. I hate discounting their abilities. I want to trust everytime because the world has robbed women of so much. I give my allegiance to these warriors.

I am thankful for this book for it made me realize that it’s a tough rock we are trying to reshape. It takes time to soften the edges for it to be polished – to be accepted. But, time will come when everything would be full circle and women would receive the kind of credit they deserved.

Outgrowing 2019

2019… How should I bid you farewell when you made my year so full of decision makings, I thought you’d be a bomb that would explode the moment I choose the wrong choices. Here are some big and little decisions I made during your (shall I say) glorious regime?

First, I decided to leave my job of four years where I made great friends and had a very supportive management. I swear I kept thinking how life would be without them boosting my morale and making me feel I was at home. I almost wanted to retract my resignation because I didn’t want to leave. I thought about it for a month while rendering my last days with the company. I wanted to stay in the comfort of them. But then again, comfort can be a scary thing because it does not allow you to grow. I strengthened my will and gained that courage to walk out of that zone to make myself grow, I hoped.

Second, to pursue working abroad. I have always loved the idea of being far from home. Not that I don’t love my family. I’m convinced we all do. My family though has been nothing but a China wall. It protected me from unwanted attacks but has also prevented me from expanding the territories of my learning. Staying home felt an almost perfect reprieve. I want to get out and explore that world and see for myself if I’m going to love it or hate it.

Third, to let father undergo total hip replacement surgery. To others this may seemed less stressful since it is elective. Let me tell you, it was stressful and daunting. There were nights when I’d cry and couldn’t pinpoint exactly what is it that I’m scared of. Even if I have prepared myself for that moment as much as I can, when the time came, it still shook me. Worse, it made me question the allegiance from some of my trusted friends. I realized they cannot be there for your battles all the time and you should be okay with it. More often than not, they’d choose to live their lives and you learn not to hold it against them – little by little. The biggest lesson though is realizing that you cannot make people feel the way you want them to feel and that the years you spent with them is not a guarantee that they would share your grief.

Fourth, I lost my passport a day before my visa appointment and decided to move on from it. There was a point when I wanted to sit in the middle of the road and let trucks run over me for being so careless. How could I lose it? But I decided not to be defeated by this hurdle. I passed the tests I needed and there is no way something like this shall stop me from making my dreams come true.

Fifth, after suffering from irregular menstruation for four years, I decided to have myself checked. I have never regarded my reproductive health as a serious matter. I guess a lot of us don’t. However, it dawned on me that if I really want to take care of other people, I must take good care of myself first. I am now on my fourth pack of pills. I should see my OB soon for a follow-up check-up.

Finally, forgiving friends for nothing but being honest with how they feel. I have this tendency to shout at people (when I’m angry) out of familiarity and sometimes, out of superiority. I always thought it is okay to show your closest friends how you feel whether in public or in private. I was aware that lashing out on people may belittle and hurt them but I still did. My reaction on things are too quick at times and I just act based on what my emotions are at the moment. My ego told me to let the silence between us last until the other party can no longer take it. Or until, I feel better about the things they said. I realized until you forgive, you never really feel better. Until you say the words to yourself of how right they are and how you could have acted better, the anger never learns to subside on its own. You have to do something about it. The fall though… I do not know how to act around them anymore.

One friend has told me that I make her do things that are not her. There were moments when she gets confused whether to be her or be the person I want her to be and that I make her feel how my friendship is far better and how she is always fucking up. She did say she accepts me for who I am but it is me who can’t accept that I make her do things or make her feel that she is falling short. For the time being, I decided to have that distance between me and her. Until I know how to be a better friend to her because she deserves that. And if she finds someone who can take care of her better, whom she’d feel appreciated and loved more than I could ever do, then I’d be happy.

Everything is a work in progress. I am a work in progress. I want to remember every little and big thing this year so I wrote most of them on my notepad. The happenings have affected me and somehow made me see that there are a lot I need to work on. My temper for one, my expectations over people and my priorities. I will try not to make people do things that are not them. If they do not want to come on time on our gatherings, maybe we can reschedule. If they want to cancel on our plans, then they can do so. If they want to just live their lives the way they choose to be… then I promise to not stop them in anyway. I will move on and try to forget the things they cannot do. I figured… it’s not all about me.

It’s a big world. And if in the end they choose to let go of our hands, it’s not because of us – it’s because of the differences of our priorities and how we should not hold it against each other. Let them grow where they want to grow and by that you let yourself grow too.

So, I bid 2019 goodbye for all the pruning I had to undergo. I am now embracing 2020 for all the adventures and misadventures it will bring me. I say, bring it on! 🙂

Remember, Noli Me Tangere

The basketball brawl between Gilas Pilipinas and Australian team uproared the social media globally raising a debate about who started the so called “embarrassing moment” in the history of basketball.

(Disclaimer: I’m no basketball expert and have no intention of being one.)

For me, the incident has little to do about the sports.

What happened is not something you can isolate to that alone. It can happen to any event, to anyone and to any country.

Imagine being abused in YOUR own nation. A Filipino who works abroad is always respectful and conscious of that country’s regulations, laws and traditions. Take for example our OFWs in Middle East. At some point, we can’t even publicly practice our religion as Christians. That is okay because that is their homeland. As they say, “When in Rome, do as Romans do.”

We may be insulted, belittled and in some cases robbed of our freedom in other parts of the world but touch me not in the islands of Philippines. This is our home. Our HOME.

To let a foreigner mock and insult your brother whether physically or emotionally in a land where your roots sprouted is being weak, hypocrite and ultimately, embarrassing.

Some Filipinos have chosen the higher ground saying we could have acted on it differently and maintained the spirit of sportsmanship. If you are in a situation where you are so passionate about and to see a small-brained person ruin things intentionally, you wouldn’t even think of acting differently. It was a natural human instinct. Unless you tell me, you are god – well, amen to that.

My supervisor told me (though I know he meant well) if the team acted “more professionally”, the Australian player named Kickert would have been kicked out of the game and we could have a better chance of winning to which I replied, that would have been a smart reaction – only that is being ideal.

Ideally speaking, that would have been the best thing to do but if you are the one on their shoes, believe me, realistically speaking, you wouldn’t have done better.

One day, my sister and aunt were hailing a taxi in the middle of the night. A taxi stopped by and just when my sister was talking to the driver, a rude Caucasian put his head inside the opened taxi window and started negotiating. My sister, feeling alienated, backed away even if she was the first to approach. My aunt meddled like a true Gabriela Silang and told the Caucasian off. Then my aunt told my sister to not let anyone (a foreigner) step on her right and most especially, not in her own country. And I’ve never been more proud.

Some foreigners think they are superior than us just because they came from a first world country. Well, do not let those people take away your pride or make you feel displaced in this archipelago.

We, Filipinos, have always been versatile and resilient but do not mistake such qualities for enduring insults and abuses as part of it.

To see some Filipinos bash their own brother is the worst kind. Are we going to pull down our own people, our countrymen in every chance we get? Remember who pulled the trigger without playing blind.

The Fiery Desire for Art

Saturday night, 30th of June 2018, we watched Missing Filemon, a local band, performed 2 meters away from where we were seated. They were thumping, jumping and singing and I have never felt so alive I thought I was flying. Exactly like a line from the song of Eraserheads, “Ako ngayo’y nasa alapaap na…”

That’s my feelings translated into words.

Listening to their beat and rhythm transported me to paradise where nothing is wrong. Nothing is impossible. Only pure music nirvana coupled with the vocalist’s wits on punchlines delivery where everybody cannot resist but laugh. The best part of it all, the band is composed of Cebu local artists who have been singing their heart out, showcasing the culture and places of Cebu (every true blooded Cebuano can relate to) presenting a punch of societal issues and a kick of life’s struggles.

Then again, the vocalist always throws a line or two that fills the place with roaring amusement. And I was like, “Damn! Is there anything he cannot do?”

The band has been rocking for 16 years and how their music never grows old, only more meaningful and more nostalgic.

That night, I heard them say, “We should earn from our art without sacrificing creativity.” That hit me. Hardest. From their song lyrics and now that shift in philosophy.

I love writing. And I cannot imagine a life not doing it. Even if people do not believe in what I do, I cannot just walk away. Even if an English proficiency exam tells you otherwise, you struggle still to write. Even if it may mean being alone for the rest of my life, I’d still write.

I know someone who writes poetry in a prolific manner but refuses to sell nor earn from it. He told me he doesn’t intend to earn monetary value for the thing he loves the most. I nodded and thought maybe it is passion. And, it is the sole fuel for everything he did and does and a true artist would say and believe the same thing.

Lately, he has kind of stop writing because “life happens.” By that, he meant he is busy with life’s demands like rent, medication, bills and basically adulting and it is sad.

It is sad to stop doing what you truly love. When you know what you are good at yet here you are, doing things you hate because you refused to earn from your art.

I do not want to meet another artist who is slowly losing what made him happy. I want to be with people who believe in their craft and think of ways to look at life in the eye and say, “I’m going to be an artist. Even if it kills me. Do your shittiest ways and I’ll outbest you with flying colors.”

 

Not that Kind of (Love) Story – Mr. and Mrs. Cruz

I am never the kind of person who expects too much from a movie even if it is played by one of my favorite actors, JC Santos. Somehow, for this movie I thought this is going to be predictable and this will be one of those happy ending kind of story. Well, yeah it was happy. But the internal issue laid out before the viewer’s eyes is somehow common though least talked about or shall I say least accepted and least understood but it is damn real.

The inner battle of the female character is probably the kind of war most millenials are trying to win over – finding one’s self. For the male, it is trying to understand the so called “selfish decision” of a particular person.

What I realized after watching is finding one’s self is never selfish. It must not be downplayed, belittled nor shove aside. In marriage, or in any kind of relationship, a person must come as a whole and not be someone who needs mending nor someone who needs saving and lots and lots of pampering.

The line that struck me the most was, “Nakita ko na si Nemo pero sarili ko hindi ko pa nahahanap.” (I’ve found Nemo but not myself.) That’s when tears started streaming down. I was not really aware of it. I felt everything stopped and the world became so silent and I had the funniest feeling of finding sanctuary in a movie I thought would be another love story I expected it to be. I curled in my own defeat of not knowing what is it that I really want. I let myself reflect in that moment, delighted that there is a character who represents all the doubt and all the guilt I have been hiding inside of me.

The helplessness and confusion was well portrayed by Ryza Cenon. Needless to say, she was my fondest character. She made her battle cry so loud and clear, it flamed the torches of my bridge to acceptance. Finding one’s self is a long journey and maybe we shouldn’t have to hurry ourselves. It’s our life we are trying to figure out after all.

I maybe in that war still but I am comforted to know that I am definitely NOT alone. Yes, you are not alone. We are not and we will never be again.

This movie may not be the kind of feature I expected but it is what I needed. For that, I recommend it to my friends and to strangers who are struggling to find what they want to do for the rest of their lives.

Smile.

We can careen through this 7,107 islands trying to uncover meaning in our journey.

One day, you will meet someone who will make you understand everything that puzzles you at the moment who may or may not be your kind of happy ending.

For now just keep searching, keep asking, keep living.

—————————————— end .

Have you watched a movie recently that mirrors your hardships and pain? Tell me about it in the comment section.

All About Her

“How wrong is it for a woman to depend on a man to build the world she deserves?”-Anais Nin

Well, she’s my favorite writer. I love how honest she has been with her writings. How knowing her made me evaluate my beliefs and about how most women see themselves.

It is almost natural for a woman to depend so much of her happiness to a man. Who can blame us?

Since birth, we were led to believe that we exist because of Adam. We were told that God thought Adam was lonely and so He created Eve. Yup, this is the sad truth of our origin and existence. But I’d like to believe woman was created because she is his equal. She can build the world she wants for herself with or without him.

However, most women tend to accept who came instead of who she deserves. So, a lot of women hide their pain away and try to settle in a relationship that physically, mentally and emotionally abuses them. As if being caught in such horrible situation is something they must endure.

I am appalled to think how some men use their strength and power to cage and clip her wings.

If I could just whisper on every scared girl’s ear of how she deserves more than broken promises and sweet nothings, I would have.

If I could just rescue all battered wife to come out of that dark closet and flee, I would have.

Woman, do not think for one second you should welcome so much pain and disappointment. That you should be rightfully be taken for granted and to be set aside, to be lied to nor to feel like you’re an option – like you are some kind of a spare tire.

Do not belittle yourself. Do not become that kind of person who looks back and say how much you wasted time thinking this time he is going to change. He never did and never will.

“You are born to build.” (Sarah Kay)

Always know that every little thing about you was created to serve as your strength -your curves, your smile, your mind and your warmth. Even your tears are weapons you should not waste on some guy who said will defend you.

And I could never stress enough how beautiful your existence is. You have to believe it yourself and do not let anyone to tell you otherwise.

When it Rains, it Rains

Now you might not have expected the title. Nothing’s wrong actually. I did it on purpose. Today, Nov 1, Wednesday is one of the days I will always remember.

I missed my flight.

My friend decided to tie the knot in Chiang Mai, Thailand and I was more than happy to be invited in one of her life’s milestones. I’d love to see her glorious smile when she walks down the aisle on her white wedding dress.

So, we planned for it. However, tough luck has it my friend who I have been planning this trip with had to cancel because of working visa related issues.

I breathe deeply and I said I will be fine.

October 31, 10:20pm, I left home for my 1:35am Cebu to Manila flight. I arrived in the airport at 10:45pm and checked in. Flight was delayed for an hour and I was fine because I was thinking my flight to Bangkok is at 6:10am so an hour delay shouldn’t hurt much.

I arrived in Manila at 4:10am and proceeded to terminal 3. Checked in but was told that I had to pay the travel tax (ok, no big deal). Line moved a little slow. After, I went back to the drop bag area to get my boarding pass. Got it and lined for immigration. Immigration line was painfully slow like you can wash the dishes that have piled up for three days and the line doesn’t budge. I look at the clock and it was 4:45am which should be ok because my ticket says 6:10. But then I checked my boarding pass and it said 5:35 and I should be at the gate at 5:05 and I’m still 6 persons away, that’s when I began to panic.

I heared flights being called out but not for Bangkok so I was thinking I’d be ok. However, I could see “final call” for my flight on departure boards. When I was one person away from the immigration officer, they had a system issue which caused another 5 minute-delay. After the scrutinizing question like even if you have not done any criminal act in your whole life you feel you have been found guilty by the immigration officer. Well, no time to complain. I ran to towards the security checks. I removed my sandals and submitted my things for inspection.

 

I ran.

 

Didn’t have time to strap my sandals properly because I opted to run and prayed to god not to miss that god damn flight.

 

I ran.

 

My feet started to ache from the sudden extreme lower leg activity.

 

Still, I ran

 

I ran and missed it.

 

Only to be told by the airline staff that 351 people were able to get on the flight and I am one of those 10 people they refused to wait for. He also asked me what took me so long.

” Your flight from Cebu to Manila was delayed and the immigration line was moving as slow as your brain waves.”

No, I didn’t actually say that. Well at least, not out loud.

I tried to be calm and explain but my explanation was not enough to allow me to join that flight. The airline which I refuse to mention here allowed me to get another flight on the following day – gratis.

Still, it didn’t soothe my aching heart. I was feeling like “even airplanes refuse to wait for me.” My hormones eating me up.

But I figured, nobody wants me missing my flight. I do not think the airline wants to cause any inconvenience to their passengers (but no flight should be delayed for an hour.) All we can do is compromise and give the best we’ve got at the moment.

I honestly wanted to break the jaw of the airline staff, of that double-faced immigration officer and of all the other people who are happily in a relationship. Lol. But what good does it do to me?

I am not trying to downplay anyone’s emotion. When someone misses a flight, it feels like losing, acquiring only scraped knees to remind you of what you lack or maybe, have failed to do. I can play that part. We can be those people who cry at our own misadventures and shortcomings but what good does it give us?

Can’t we be thankful for no additional expense on the replaced ticket? Or the simple fact we are alive? There must be a reason why we experience missed chances.

I’m taking this as a lesson. A painful lesson I have to deal with.

I do not want to equate a missed flight to all my other failures so I’m writing this to rant, to remind myself I am not the first person who missed a flight and ultimately, to forgive myself.

Everything will be okay.

And I should be thankful.